Day Fifty Four

Meh, it's all gone Pete Tong.
I'm going to downscale the BGP - a walk is the goal over the next few days. Getting to a gruelling hour long yoga session has blown my brain. A walk and some nice cups of herbal tea and a big pack of tissues.
For I think my life has caught up on me, I suppose that's expected eh.

Trying really hard to give myself a break, as I feel those demons nipping at my heels.
Miss you,
BG x

Day Forty Six

I can't tell you how pointless this all feels right now, how pointless everything feels.

I hope yoga is on tomorrow - I really do and I hope I can find the strength to go

Hope you are ok too
BG x

Day Forty

Day Forty eh - would you look at that?

Well the studio at Yoga Tapas was a steamy humid little hive of activity tonight with lots of bendy-people-ness putting themselves through a HAAARD mat session - Sue was right though I do feel great - so thanks!

Spoke with someone cool today who said she had noticed that her yoga has made an impact on her depression - if she maintains a minimum of two practices per week. Another thing that came out of that conversation was that I realised just how much I have going on so best I don't beat up about not being on top of absolutely every tiny, minute, intricate and mostly pointless detail in my life. This idea was reinforced tonight at yoga - a double whammy - when Sue explained while we started our blissful 10 mins of relaxtion, she asked us not to judge our performance and likewise not to build expectations for our next sessions. So the trick is to leave your practice as it has been, just a practice, not something that has to be read into, analysed and criticised. I like that - living in the moment rather than dwelling. And of course that is something all good therapists try to tell you - sometimes I think you need something real to attach ideas too - you need to practice practicing....and that what yoga is great for!

The more people I talk to the more I realise just how wide spread depression is out there - it's thoroughly terrifying! Life is about being real, not dumb and pretendy as soon as we let all that go, along with the crap expectations and preumptions I think things will be easier...well I know it, yet it still seems so hard to do? WHY IS THAT!?

So after trying not to judge my performance or expect too much next time I was left feeling proud. I am happy with proud!
BG x

Day Thirty Nine

I'm here! Still.....hmmm again feeling bad for not writing - I spend too much time for feeling bad and as this is my blog I declare feeling bad officially banned from the BGP. Ok now that I have that out of the way - what have I been up to? Well I was just going to ask you the same thing?!

Me - hmm I have been really up and down.....sometimes I think I'm fine and then I fall to pieces....boyfriend asked me tonight: "what is it that makes you sad....really what do you think?" I replied "it's the way I view the world, mostly dark...I think it just seeps back into me..." I thought that was quite a good description really?

Made it to yoga twice this week - while I was absent I made a decision that I would make two times my goal each week and three is a bonus. I also think some good walking would make a difference....but the time and energy thing is the issue here. I'm going to go to see my doctor this week...promise..I need to get my iron levels checked...being this tired is surely not normal....although probably a side-effect...stupid side-effect.

Good things that happened this weekend by The Brave Girl:

Made it to yoga!

Went bra shopping - a personal pet hate...made much more pleasant by going to a decent shop

Reading my book and falling asleep and allowing myself too :)

Now that I'm over my cold and cough as is the cat (after a VERY expensive visit to the vets) I hope that my yoga practice will find it's momentum again.

I hope you have yours sorted too...

BG x

Day Thirty Three

Yep so I feel like crap-olla! I'm still coughing...woke up on Saturday morning feeling grungy and groggy and still phleghm filled (is that how you spell phleghm?). My weekend didn't help much either. It was filled with arguments, tears and possibly some tantrums....no tiara's have been awared as yet.

I feel left out of the world, forgotten and alone (again)....warning a whinge fest could commence at any time...I'll do my best to reign it in and not spoil your day as well.

It's sunny again, my grandma wrote me a letter - when was the last time you received a letter?They are pretty cool.

Going to yoga feels like a tall order right now - tall like the....you know really huge tall. I will try....first I'll try to get through today, working alone...you know how much I love that!

Sorry I'm feeling blurgh, I hope you're not.
BG x

Day Thirty

I'm not ignoring you! PROMISE!!!! Ok so that cold...well it developed into a nasty poo head cold, so yoga I felt had to take a break so I could get better.

I am going to yoga tomorrow morning...the longer you're away I think the more the voices try and tell you not to go (the voices...I sound like I'm crazy but you know what I mean right?)..but I will go, boyfriend will tell me if I don't - and who can be doing with that on a weekend.
BG x
PS cat is better thanks

Day Twenty Six

I feel like I have crashed people....crashed! I have a cold, a sore throat, boyfriend is having a poos time and is really sad and have just taken my cat to the emergency vet...this is not such a happy house today. I haven't been able to practice yoga as it's closed and not sure if it's so good to do it when sick?

I am really looking forward to getting back in my routine this week hopefully. Nearly a third of the way through the project and I can tell yoga has made a difference...it's just (just she says!) a matter of fighting through those 'give up' voices!

I am going to concentrate on just eating well, sleeping enough and drinking lots of water until this yucky stressy time is over. I can see I've been doing far too much, and stressing about things way WAY too much...and because of this my body crashed on me...clever little things our bodies aren't they. If you don't stop then they just do it anyway? Something that plays on my mind often is the negative impacts stress has on my body both short and long term....when I look at yoga instructors they look so calm, well put together, strong but nimble and kind of all knowing....that looks like a good place to be - I bet it takes YEARS!? I wonder if they statistically live longer?

I hope, if you're in NZ, that you are enjoying a peaceful, safe and happy holiday weekend (and so are your fur friends)....see you on the mat!

BG x

Day Twenty Two

Morena,

I have managed to make it to yoga once this week...ONCE....come on Brave Girl - I have good reasons and now as we approach the Labour Day holiday Yoga Tapas closes for a few days so I won't be able to catch up, so to speak.

I think to balance things out I will try and do some at home tonight - I figure something is better than nothing. And about now I could really do with some mind space!

Why do we work so hard? Is all the stress and exhaustion really worth it? I worry about the long term effects my stressy mind has on the rest of my body - would it better for me long term to do something mindless, that is left at work when you leave?

If you've never looked into the Slow Movement then I would recommend you do - just google it....it makes a lot of sense.

My mood at the moment seems quite stable. I am trying to be less snappy and grumpy at home and remind myself that my work doesn't actually make the world go round so how important is it really???????

Another thing - I think I've noticed my arm muscles are getting bigger...or less droopy!? That's quite special isn't it! When I'm this age I'll be able to do this.....will you? Yoga tricks in my retirement village = no incontinence pants!

Yoga at home it is!

BG x

Day Ninteen Part Two

So I made it...yay - it was hard and good...although I regret the lack of water that has entered ny body today..my head hurts and I feel a bit ew!

It was nice to find that piece and quiet again in my mind - I hope you find some too
BG x

Day Ninteen

Hi..she says rather sheepishly. I'm feeling disappointed in myself, I only made it to yoga twice last week - my minimum was going to be three times per week. Maybe I'm pushing myself too hard or expecting too much but all of a sudden I feel like the weight of the world has landed on my shoulders.

I find myself looking longingly at cafe workers thinking - wow imagine if I had a job that didn't come home with me? I'm finding it hard to make it through this busy period without crashing all over the place - I feel totally fatigued and really grumpy. Breathe, breathe...this is not forever, I keep trying to remember.

I don't want to go to yoga tonight - I want to  go to sleep.

I will go, (thanks to your messages of support) and a boot up the bum from the boyfriend. I hope I don't spend my entire time there thinking about the work I have to do when I get home! I'm deciding right now that I will go and it will be great - the end!

Day Sixteen - the black hole

As much as I can feel this coming over me I don't feel like I can stop it.
I feel like sitting down and crying for an eternity.
Sometimes when I feel like this I find the best thing is to put myself to bed, a nice big sleep is a good place to start...but I'm at work...sigh.

I have so much work to do - how will I get it all done? Will I do a good job?What if I stuff up?The pressure to perform feels too much right now and I'd just like to hide.

I don't feel like anyone will understand me, even if they did I don't want to hear it. It won't stop the hurting that lasts for as long as it lasts.

I can hear my mother saying to me, in hopeful persuasion, "but you've been doing so well".

I feel angry, defensive, alone, tearful and hopeless. I don't want to do today anymore.

The only good thing about being here today is that we have tissues and now that they've all left I don't have to pretend to smile anymore.

BG :(

Day Fourteen

CRACK went my back as I stretched into my first sun salutation today. Heck I thought I've broken my back...but no, THANK GOD! My spine was just letting me know that it's still there I think?

I was going to call you yesterday and say...I don't wannnnnaaaaa go! But then I knew what you'd say:just go you big baby! So I stopped thinking about it and before you knew it I was there, on the mat.

I'm going to repeat a little of what I said last post: if you're busy and that's your excuse for getting out of exercise (that's normally mine!) then you should know that it actually gives you more time. I'm finding it amazingingly beneficial to stop for that hour every couple of days and check in with myself, to switch off the blurble brain and to focus on my breath. That probably sounds all hippy la la but it's true.

I'm getting more advernturous too - I did my first proper back bend or bridge I think most people call it. I wasn't sure that I could do it or not but my muscles didn't let me down and before I knew it the world was happily upside down.

Overall I'm feeling pretty good, still sore in random places, but definitely feeling the benefits. I noticed last night how much I like Yoga Tapas. It's much smaller than some of the schools I have attended before, and because of that it has a friendly vibe that puts you at ease (important when you're planning upside down missions).

Each time I go I can feel someone giving me a gold star - I made it again...wow that is something incredible in itself. Something simple for me that I can achieve each day. That really means something to me - the only way to get there though I think is to first of all be nice to yourself - allowing yourself the choice. You'll always choose the healthist, most bestest option for you, 'cause you're you and you're remarkably clever.

BG x

Day Twelve

Gosh how will I figure out the Day number when I get passed October!

Yoga was again the star of the show this evening. Although might I take this time to remind you all to ALWAYS remember to wear appropriate clothing....my top kept slipping down and I found it hard to think about my breathing whilst I continually readjusted myself, avoiding being branded a 'flasher'!

I found it easier to GO tonight (progress!!!) - the less you think about the whole thing the more you find yourself there sunddenly on your mat, before you can say samasasakuraraaaazz (ok so I made that up...how do you spell yoga pose names anyway?).
One great thing that Sue said in one of her classes last week and I'll share it with you because I think it's perfect for people who suffer from any type of low mood stuff; heck it's just perfect full stop.She was referring to some yoga practictioner I think...and I'm sorry but I forget his name (see I was concentrating on my breathing after all!), he said that he never regretted a yoga practice but often regretted the times he hadn't got out his mat. Great huh?

This week will be very busy for me, which is why I'm blogging so late!I promise right here, on this computer screen, to get to my four practices, despite the busyness. Yoga, I am starting to think, has opened up more time (for me). I feel like I have a small pocket every second day which is mine...imagine that...a whole hour and a bit to yourself. A whole period of 'you time' where you don't beat yourself up, berate yourself for what a crappy person you are, or ruminate on your faults and short-comings.How lucky am I?!
I think it (yoga) has also helped (boys look away) with my girly cramps too...which are normally totally horrid. It will be interesting to see how this progresses..I will keep you in the loop (cringe)!
If you are reading this and NOT currently practicing yoga, can you do me a favour? Wake up tomorrow and do some nice stretches, no matter what they are I gurantee your body will feel good and your mind will thank you for it :)....too preachy? NAH....do it for me?!

BG x (thanks in advance for those stretches you do tomorrow!
P.S - also wanted to say a huge thank you to all the comments I am receiving - I love them!

Day Ten

Three times this week - and the good and very encouraging news is that I am not nearly as saw as I was last week!

Today I found it hard to get into my breathing - and it's really strange how one day you can be moe flexible than any other given day...what's with that?

I have had a relaxing weekend with lots of reading and a nice visit from friends, best of all the sun has been shining all day - wunderbar! I spent most of Sat arvo asleep after yoga..I came home, had something to eat and thought I'll just lie down and have a read of my book....and woke up 3 hours later. I think the yoga has been taking its toll!

I have been making more of an effort to be social and if I feel awkward I am trying not to take alllll the responsibility for that. The other person has equally responsibility to make conversation huh! And sometimes I think you just have nothing to say to certain people. I work with quite a few people who we just move and live in very different worlds. Do you find that or am I really a social lepor?
Similarly to my yoga practice, there will be sometimes (and there has already) when things just haven't worked as I've wanted them too, sometimes I guess it's not me, it's my body and what it's doing or needs to do and that is why sometimes it won't cooperate? Yoga Tapas are very good at reminding you to ease off if you are feeling uncomfortable....now if you could do that in real life how nice would that be!?

Recommended reading for you is Elizabeth Gilbert's book, "Eat, Pray,Love" - a wonderful read that will pick you up for sure! I'm awaiting the release of her second book....goody! Eat Pray Love is the tale of self discovery, a women whom I can identify with, and I'm sure you will too, who is brave and couragous and funny but most of all inspirational.

Right-o...will write tomorrow after my yogi,yogs thanks for your comments of support they are much appreciated!

BG x

Day Nine

So I woke up feeling like I had little tiny pixies inside my kidneys, jumping up and down shouting "Hey Brave Girl we've come to play, we like to jump up and down on your organs, they are so bouncy..."

No I haven't gone mad, well not yet anyway, just feeling a bit (quite a lot) like blurgh! The joys of being a girl. I did however, and I hope you're impressed, don my yoga regalia, drive through the drizzly cold day to arrive at Yoga Tapas to find I had gotten the wrong time and the class was actually on in the evening. DOH!
I have a function tonight so I will have to get there again tomorrow. That will make my total for the week three practices. I think that's not too bad for a first week - do you?

This week I have had the pleasure of working with some great people and it has made all the difference. I enjoy being busy, although there is a balance...sometimes I get too busy and things become too much but right now I'm just a good amount of busy. My job situ is slightly precarious and not always springy (like my kidneys) and this adds to things when I'm down. Work is really hard to find at the moment and I am grateful that I have a little to help pay the bills but mostly keep me busy.

The contrast between this busyness and yoga makes the yoga even more potent I think?

I hope you are warm and dry and free of any earthquakes or tsunamis (or pixie people) where you are.

BG x

Day Seven

Well I'm almost too impressed with myself to write....plus it hurts to move at all after a rather vigourous session this evening.

I really, totally and untterly did NOT feel like yoga today...like I said yesterday, I've been feeling sensitive. Today when someone snapped at me, I felt like sitting down on the floor and howling like a two year old. I drove back from work thinking....."stuff it, I can't do this, I can't make it to yoga"....and then the negative spiel started "you never finish things, you always give up, go on give up, GIVE UP!"

Once I got into town, I headed over to pick up the boyfriend who was nice and bright and breezy. He said firmly - "YOU ARE GOING TO YOGA."... "ok," I replied meekly.

My gosh it was fantastic. Right from the world go I could hear the click in my breathing as I set into an even rhythm. The class was probably the most challenging I have done so far and it was relieving to hear others groaning and breathing so deeply. I made it and boy did I feel great.

Today I would thoroughly recommend yoga for stilling, focusing and pushing through to find your quintessential self. The Brave Girl is not a woosey blouse who gives up. The Brave Girl is somone who for an hour and half gave her all, purposefully and honestly. Now it's time for ICE CREAM! yum.

Thanks (boy) for making me go when I couldn't remember why I was doing this.

Night BG x

Day Six

ell it appears people ARE reading this - she pauses to pull the 'YUSS' move, iconic of Napolean Dynamite. I've had some lovely emails to read today. They MADE MY DAY! And newsflash...we're not alone, although all unique and different we share something. Unfortunately it doesn't quite sparkle the way we want but it's definitely there, often unrelenting.

Stephen Fry (long time manic depressive) once asked a selection of people this question and I'd love to know your answers: If there was a big magic red button that when you pressed it, your depression magically disappered then would you press it?

Today I was nice and busy and working with some really lovely and very 'real' people - distraction is often the key to a whirring mind I think.

Had a stupid grumpy fight with boyfriend, he's having a hard time and I guess we end up having what feels like some sort of macarbre competition - the race is to the bottom....whoever is the 'most down' wins. I am feeling really super angry, like totally grumpy assssssssssss. Irritable...I'm hoping and knowing really it's probably just hormonal?

No yoga today but yoga tomorrow - things are still sore but more and more I'm wearing my aches as my medals.

The best thing about today was not being stuck in the house and then coming home to someone...even though I got sensitive about stupid things...and now he's barely talking to me :(

Sometimes a mood swing seems  to happen in a flash and you almost feel silly...how could I be packing a tanty about such a small issue...but there you are, stomping round, slamming doors, working away at the silent treatment.

I'm sure tomorrow will be better and different - I hope yours is too.
BG x

Day Five

I've hit my head four times today and nearly sliced off my thumb, managed to burn plastic onto the stove so the whole house smells like the inside of a Barbie Doll box and dropped coffee beans all over the floor....I seem to be overly clumsly? And moody and weepy. My head hurts and I've felt sick for most of the day - despite all this I made it to yoga again.

 It was quite nice to have an hour off 'thinking' and 'being me' and be focused on breathing and simply moving. I'm still finding my way with my practice - it doesn't feel right yet and boy do I feel...how do I feel? Am going to practice the hand stand thingy that took me by surprise in class tonight...might have to get the boyfriend to spot me I think? If you've ever seen the UK ad for Tango then you'll understand when I say 'he wasn't prepared for that!' After today's clumsyishness perhaps I'll leave it till tomorrow actually!

You know....I really hope someone reads this, do you think they will? It's quite odd putting your life on screen.

Yoga-tastic!

Ouch

Oh my god....had to roll out of bed. Everything hurts which strangely feels quite good...already I can feel the fruits of my labours.

Feeling great at the moment but am also quite hyped up about project, couldn’t sleep for thinking about it. I tell my partner that I feel like someone has removed my limbs and put them back in again – ouch!

Day One - here I go!

I tried to drive to yoga without thinking...have you tried that before? It's bloody hard! I reasoned with myself that I shouldn't be nervous because I have practiced yoga in the past and had a reasonable grasp of my forthcoming task. The type of yoga I have chosen is Ashtanga or 'Power Yoga'....no it's NOT the hot one, it's the warm one where you move all the time (repeating the same poses or 'asanas'). Yoga Tapas is nearly the only place in Christchurch you can learn this style.

As I parked the car I couldn't help think "three months of this??" The pain, the focus required, the commitment....it all overwhelmed me, my heart started to beat noticably faster...or was it the way I bounded up the stairs, my determination overiding my fears?

Sue met me at the counter and before I could think I was sat calmly at my mat mimicking the others as they knealt breathing. I tried to relax but found myself looking around the room (peeking through one eye, as though no one would be able to see me that way) taking in my classroom for the next three months. It was lovely and warm, quiet with just the cars zomming past. A tranquil place that I immediately felt at home in. Incidentally Sue also has her own blog called 'Couscous & Consicousness' you can view it here.

I struggled to slow my breath in the breathing exercises but allowed myself a few graces...it was my first day afterall. I stretched and strained for the next 60 minutes. Trying to hide my total non-bendyness whilst my counterparts seemed to move with ease and beauty was challenging. Yoga Tapas include a chanting song thingy at the start of their practices...I hadn't experienced this before and doubted how I would learn the words when they all sounded made up?! Nevertheless yoga is as much a spritual practice as well as a physical one.

I left feeling a little like I had slurped up 14 lattes in a row - too jittery to really control my limbs, let alone drive a vehicle. I felt elated and proud of my efforts as I meandered my way home - keen to skite about my new project.

Good work Brave Girl!

The Symptoms

Because this is an experiment I thought I should be a little bit scientifc and list my physical and emotional state at present - or my symptoms.

PHYSICAL: I have developed dermatitis on my arms and knees – maybe due to the winter but may also be related to my mood? I feel tired ALL of the time. Some days I sleep up to 12 hours a day and I could still sleep more if I allowed myself. I am reasonably healthy, I don’t drink to excess (on a regular basis) and I don’t take drugs. At present I believe I am a healthy weight (although I’d quite like to be littler), on the Body Mass Index chart I am considered to be overweight but that’s shit. I am 5’6” or 167cm’s and last time I weighed myself I weighed 70kgs.

MENTAL/EMOTIONAL: I feel down a lot of the time. I think negative thoughts and sometimes I think about how much I don’t want to be here. That doesn’t mean I want to die, just that I don’t want to be here. I get grumpy and angry a lot. I cry nearly every day. Sometimes I have what I’ve termed ‘crying days’ I wake up crying and I cry all day..even when I have to go out and buy milk. Often I find it difficult to go out. I let my friends down at the last minute a lot because I can’t face seeing people. I have very high expectations of myself, I ruminate all of the time and I beat myself up emotionally nearly constantly. I get overwhelmed easily and procrastinate. I take on too much until I am over committed and have to let people down again. I have had oodles of counselling (and I mean OODLES)...I know all about CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), NLP (neurolinguistic programming), Gestalt therapy...I know what I’m doing I just can’t stop.

SUPPLEMENTS: I have taken a vast array of supplements over the years, some help I think? I tried anti-depressants once (much to my loathing) and I hated them. I took myself off them. YUCK!

Currently I take:
one fish oil capsule a day
an iron tablet (as I am a meat minimalist)
sometimes a multivitamin (I just ran out)
and some zinc (cause I read it helped)

I have taken a photo and my measuremets as well in case my body changes in the next wee while. I'm undecided if I will publish these at the conclusion of the project, I guess it makes sense to though huh?

From The Black Story to The Present

As long as I can remember I have always battled, more than the regular person, with my moods. Along the way I have worked hard to find out as much as I can about me. I have come to the conclusion after much therapy and my own research that I suffer from what's known as Dystemia  - a long lasting depressive disorder that shares many characteristics with Major Depressive Disorder. It tends to come in waves and is particularly difficult in the winter.

Throughout my twenties (I'm now late 20's) I have noticed the effects of my plaguing moods more and more as they have fought to destroy my relationships, my career and passion for life in general. I have made progress I believe. I used to be quite socially phobic which I have managed to overcome, which is great 'cause people are great. I have suffered from severe anxiety and panic attacks in the past which wasn't any kind of fun - I found Rescue Remedy really useful for this. I have been medicated once - it sucked and I stopped it after a few weeks. I won't lie, at times I have been very ill - that is hard to admit here...and hence why this experiment is titled The Brave Girl Project.

Depression is one of those funny things (not really ha ha funny), it's hard to understand, to get the gist of and it's different for everybody. I am lucky and have a very supportive partner and a handful of long distance friends who I know are there for me no matter what. It's a difficult beast and it makes me angry when people make fun of those John Kirwan ads...so if you do that, please don't a meany. If you only read one book it should be "I HAD A BLACK DOG" by Matthew Johnstone. I can't reccommend this book enough. I read it regularly and so does my partner, it's refreshing, concise and fun (fun and depression, who would of thought!?)

not THE END.