Friday, October 30, 2009

Day Thirty

I'm not ignoring you! PROMISE!!!! Ok so that cold...well it developed into a nasty poo head cold, so yoga I felt had to take a break so I could get better.

I am going to yoga tomorrow morning...the longer you're away I think the more the voices try and tell you not to go (the voices...I sound like I'm crazy but you know what I mean right?)..but I will go, boyfriend will tell me if I don't - and who can be doing with that on a weekend.
BG x
PS cat is better thanks

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Day Twenty Six

I feel like I have crashed people....crashed! I have a cold, a sore throat, boyfriend is having a poos time and is really sad and have just taken my cat to the emergency vet...this is not such a happy house today. I haven't been able to practice yoga as it's closed and not sure if it's so good to do it when sick?

I am really looking forward to getting back in my routine this week hopefully. Nearly a third of the way through the project and I can tell yoga has made a's just (just she says!) a matter of fighting through those 'give up' voices!

I am going to concentrate on just eating well, sleeping enough and drinking lots of water until this yucky stressy time is over. I can see I've been doing far too much, and stressing about things way WAY too much...and because of this my body crashed on me...clever little things our bodies aren't they. If you don't stop then they just do it anyway? Something that plays on my mind often is the negative impacts stress has on my body both short and long term....when I look at yoga instructors they look so calm, well put together, strong but nimble and kind of all knowing....that looks like a good place to be - I bet it takes YEARS!? I wonder if they statistically live longer?

I hope, if you're in NZ, that you are enjoying a peaceful, safe and happy holiday weekend (and so are your fur friends)....see you on the mat!

BG x

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Day Twenty Two


I have managed to make it to yoga once this week...ONCE....come on Brave Girl - I have good reasons and now as we approach the Labour Day holiday Yoga Tapas closes for a few days so I won't be able to catch up, so to speak.

I think to balance things out I will try and do some at home tonight - I figure something is better than nothing. And about now I could really do with some mind space!

Why do we work so hard? Is all the stress and exhaustion really worth it? I worry about the long term effects my stressy mind has on the rest of my body - would it better for me long term to do something mindless, that is left at work when you leave?

If you've never looked into the Slow Movement then I would recommend you do - just google makes a lot of sense.

My mood at the moment seems quite stable. I am trying to be less snappy and grumpy at home and remind myself that my work doesn't actually make the world go round so how important is it really???????

Another thing - I think I've noticed my arm muscles are getting bigger...or less droopy!? That's quite special isn't it! When I'm this age I'll be able to do this.....will you? Yoga tricks in my retirement village = no incontinence pants!

Yoga at home it is!
BG x

Monday, October 19, 2009

Day Ninteen Part Two

So I made it...yay - it was hard and good...although I regret the lack of water that has entered ny body head hurts and I feel a bit ew!

It was nice to find that piece and quiet again in my mind - I hope you find some too
BG x

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Day Ninteen

Hi..she says rather sheepishly. I'm feeling disappointed in myself, I only made it to yoga twice last week - my minimum was going to be three times per week. Maybe I'm pushing myself too hard or expecting too much but all of a sudden I feel like the weight of the world has landed on my shoulders.

I find myself looking longingly at cafe workers thinking - wow imagine if I had a job that didn't come home with me? I'm finding it hard to make it through this busy period without crashing all over the place - I feel totally fatigued and really grumpy. Breathe, breathe...this is not forever, I keep trying to remember.

I don't want to go to yoga tonight - I want to  go to sleep.

I will go, (thanks to your messages of support) and a boot up the bum from the boyfriend. I hope I don't spend my entire time there thinking about the work I have to do when I get home! I'm deciding right now that I will go and it will be great - the end!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Day Sixteen - the black hole

As much as I can feel this coming over me I don't feel like I can stop it.
I feel like sitting down and crying for an eternity.
Sometimes when I feel like this I find the best thing is to put myself to bed, a nice big sleep is a good place to start...but I'm at work...sigh.
I have so much work to do - how will I get it all done? Will I do a good job?What if I stuff up?The pressure to perform feels too much right now and I'd just like to hide.
I don't feel like anyone will understand me, even if they did I don't want to hear it. It won't stop the hurting that lasts for as long as it lasts.
I can hear my mother saying to me, in hopeful persuasion, "but you've been doing so well".

I feel angry, defensive, alone, tearful and hopeless. I don't want to do today anymore.
The only good thing about being here today is that we have tissues and now that they've all left I don't have to pretend to smile anymore.

BG :(

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Day Fourteen

CRACK went my back as I stretched into my first sun salutation today. Heck I thought I've broken my back...but no, THANK GOD! My spine was just letting me know that it's still there I think?

I was going to call you yesterday and say...I don't wannnnnaaaaa go! But then I knew what you'd say:just go you big baby! So I stopped thinking about it and before you knew it I was there, on the mat.

I'm going to repeat a little of what I said last post: if you're busy and that's your excuse for getting out of exercise (that's normally mine!) then you should know that it actually gives you more time. I'm finding it amazingingly beneficial to stop for that hour every couple of days and check in with myself, to switch off the blurble brain and to focus on my breath. That probably sounds all hippy la la but it's true.

I'm getting more advernturous too - I did my first proper back bend or bridge I think most people call it. I wasn't sure that I could do it or not but my muscles didn't let me down and before I knew it the world was happily upside down.

Overall I'm feeling pretty good, still sore in random places, but definitely feeling the benefits. I noticed last night how much I like Yoga Tapas. It's much smaller than some of the schools I have attended before, and because of that it has a friendly vibe that puts you at ease (important when you're planning upside down missions).

Each time I go I can feel someone giving me a gold star - I made it that is something incredible in itself. Something simple for me that I can achieve each day. That really means something to me - the only way to get there though I think is to first of all be nice to yourself - allowing yourself the choice. You'll always choose the healthist, most bestest option for you, 'cause you're you and you're remarkably clever.

BG x

Monday, October 12, 2009

Day Twelve

Gosh how will I figure out the Day number when I get passed October!

Yoga was again the star of the show this evening. Although might I take this time to remind you all to ALWAYS remember to wear appropriate top kept slipping down and I found it hard to think about my breathing whilst I continually readjusted myself, avoiding being branded a 'flasher'!

I found it easier to GO tonight (progress!!!) - the less you think about the whole thing the more you find yourself there sunddenly on your mat, before you can say samasasakuraraaaazz (ok so I made that do you spell yoga pose names anyway?).
One great thing that Sue said in one of her classes last week and I'll share it with you because I think it's perfect for people who suffer from any type of low mood stuff; heck it's just perfect full stop.She was referring to some yoga practictioner I think...and I'm sorry but I forget his name (see I was concentrating on my breathing after all!), he said that he never regretted a yoga practice but often regretted the times he hadn't got out his mat. Great huh?

This week will be very busy for me, which is why I'm blogging so late!I promise right here, on this computer screen, to get to my four practices, despite the busyness. Yoga, I am starting to think, has opened up more time (for me). I feel like I have a small pocket every second day which is mine...imagine that...a whole hour and a bit to yourself. A whole period of 'you time' where you don't beat yourself up, berate yourself for what a crappy person you are, or ruminate on your faults and short-comings.How lucky am I?!
I think it (yoga) has also helped (boys look away) with my girly cramps too...which are normally totally horrid. It will be interesting to see how this progresses..I will keep you in the loop (cringe)!
If you are reading this and NOT currently practicing yoga, can you do me a favour? Wake up tomorrow and do some nice stretches, no matter what they are I gurantee your body will feel good and your mind will thank you for it :)....too preachy? it for me?!

BG x (thanks in advance for those stretches you do tomorrow!
P.S - also wanted to say a huge thank you to all the comments I am receiving - I love them!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Day Ten

Three times this week - and the good and very encouraging news is that I am not nearly as saw as I was last week!

Today I found it hard to get into my breathing - and it's really strange how one day you can be moe flexible than any other given day...what's with that?

I have had a relaxing weekend with lots of reading and a nice visit from friends, best of all the sun has been shining all day - wunderbar! I spent most of Sat arvo asleep after yoga..I came home, had something to eat and thought I'll just lie down and have a read of my book....and woke up 3 hours later. I think the yoga has been taking its toll!

I have been making more of an effort to be social and if I feel awkward I am trying not to take alllll the responsibility for that. The other person has equally responsibility to make conversation huh! And sometimes I think you just have nothing to say to certain people. I work with quite a few people who we just move and live in very different worlds. Do you find that or am I really a social lepor?
Similarly to my yoga practice, there will be sometimes (and there has already) when things just haven't worked as I've wanted them too, sometimes I guess it's not me, it's my body and what it's doing or needs to do and that is why sometimes it won't cooperate? Yoga Tapas are very good at reminding you to ease off if you are feeling if you could do that in real life how nice would that be!?

Recommended reading for you is Elizabeth Gilbert's book, "Eat, Pray,Love" - a wonderful read that will pick you up for sure! I'm awaiting the release of her second book....goody! Eat Pray Love is the tale of self discovery, a women whom I can identify with, and I'm sure you will too, who is brave and couragous and funny but most of all inspirational.

Right-o...will write tomorrow after my yogi,yogs thanks for your comments of support they are much appreciated!

BG x

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Day Nine

So I woke up feeling like I had little tiny pixies inside my kidneys, jumping up and down shouting "Hey Brave Girl we've come to play, we like to jump up and down on your organs, they are so bouncy..."

No I haven't gone mad, well not yet anyway, just feeling a bit (quite a lot) like blurgh! The joys of being a girl. I did however, and I hope you're impressed, don my yoga regalia, drive through the drizzly cold day to arrive at Yoga Tapas to find I had gotten the wrong time and the class was actually on in the evening. DOH!
I have a function tonight so I will have to get there again tomorrow. That will make my total for the week three practices. I think that's not too bad for a first week - do you?

This week I have had the pleasure of working with some great people and it has made all the difference. I enjoy being busy, although there is a balance...sometimes I get too busy and things become too much but right now I'm just a good amount of busy. My job situ is slightly precarious and not always springy (like my kidneys) and this adds to things when I'm down. Work is really hard to find at the moment and I am grateful that I have a little to help pay the bills but mostly keep me busy.
The contrast between this busyness and yoga makes the yoga even more potent I think?

I hope you are warm and dry and free of any earthquakes or tsunamis (or pixie people) where you are.
BG x

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Day Seven

Well I'm almost too impressed with myself to it hurts to move at all after a rather vigourous session this evening.

I really, totally and untterly did NOT feel like yoga I said yesterday, I've been feeling sensitive. Today when someone snapped at me, I felt like sitting down on the floor and howling like a two year old. I drove back from work thinking....."stuff it, I can't do this, I can't make it to yoga"....and then the negative spiel started "you never finish things, you always give up, go on give up, GIVE UP!"
Once I got into town, I headed over to pick up the boyfriend who was nice and bright and breezy. He said firmly - "YOU ARE GOING TO YOGA."... "ok," I replied meekly.

My gosh it was fantastic. Right from the world go I could hear the click in my breathing as I set into an even rhythm. The class was probably the most challenging I have done so far and it was relieving to hear others groaning and breathing so deeply. I made it and boy did I feel great.

Today I would thoroughly recommend yoga for stilling, focusing and pushing through to find your quintessential self. The Brave Girl is not a woosey blouse who gives up. The Brave Girl is somone who for an hour and half gave her all, purposefully and honestly. Now it's time for ICE CREAM! yum.

Thanks (boy) for making me go when I couldn't remember why I was doing this.

Night BG x

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Day Six

ell it appears people ARE reading this - she pauses to pull the 'YUSS' move, iconic of Napolean Dynamite. I've had some lovely emails to read today. They MADE MY DAY! And newsflash...we're not alone, although all unique and different we share something. Unfortunately it doesn't quite sparkle the way we want but it's definitely there, often unrelenting.

Stephen Fry (long time manic depressive) once asked a selection of people this question and I'd love to know your answers: If there was a big magic red button that when you pressed it, your depression magically disappered then would you press it?

Today I was nice and busy and working with some really lovely and very 'real' people - distraction is often the key to a whirring mind I think.

Had a stupid grumpy fight with boyfriend, he's having a hard time and I guess we end up having what feels like some sort of macarbre competition - the race is to the bottom....whoever is the 'most down' wins. I am feeling really super angry, like totally grumpy assssssssssss. Irritable...I'm hoping and knowing really it's probably just hormonal?

No yoga today but yoga tomorrow - things are still sore but more and more I'm wearing my aches as my medals.

The best thing about today was not being stuck in the house and then coming home to someone...even though I got sensitive about stupid things...and now he's barely talking to me :(

Sometimes a mood swing seems  to happen in a flash and you almost feel could I be packing a tanty about such a small issue...but there you are, stomping round, slamming doors, working away at the silent treatment.

I'm sure tomorrow will be better and different - I hope yours is too.
BG x

Monday, October 5, 2009

Day Five

I've hit my head four times today and nearly sliced off my thumb, managed to burn plastic onto the stove so the whole house smells like the inside of a Barbie Doll box and dropped coffee beans all over the floor....I seem to be overly clumsly? And moody and weepy. My head hurts and I've felt sick for most of the day - despite all this I made it to yoga again.
 It was quite nice to have an hour off 'thinking' and 'being me' and be focused on breathing and simply moving. I'm still finding my way with my practice - it doesn't feel right yet and boy do I do I feel? Am going to practice the hand stand thingy that took me by surprise in class tonight...might have to get the boyfriend to spot me I think? If you've ever seen the UK ad for Tango then you'll understand when I say 'he wasn't prepared for that!' After today's clumsyishness perhaps I'll leave it till tomorrow actually!

You know....I really hope someone reads this, do you think they will? It's quite odd putting your life on screen.


Friday, October 2, 2009


Oh my god....had to roll out of bed. Everything hurts which strangely feels quite good...already I can feel the fruits of my labours.

Feeling great at the moment but am also quite hyped up about project, couldn’t sleep for thinking about it. I tell my partner that I feel like someone has removed my limbs and put them back in again – ouch!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Day One - here I go!

I tried to drive to yoga without thinking...have you tried that before? It's bloody hard! I reasoned with myself that I shouldn't be nervous because I have practiced yoga in the past and had a reasonable grasp of my forthcoming task. The type of yoga I have chosen is Ashtanga or 'Power Yoga' it's NOT the hot one, it's the warm one where you move all the time (repeating the same poses or 'asanas'). Yoga Tapas is nearly the only place in Christchurch you can learn this style.

As I parked the car I couldn't help think "three months of this??" The pain, the focus required, the all overwhelmed me, my heart started to beat noticably faster...or was it the way I bounded up the stairs, my determination overiding my fears?

Sue met me at the counter and before I could think I was sat calmly at my mat mimicking the others as they knealt breathing. I tried to relax but found myself looking around the room (peeking through one eye, as though no one would be able to see me that way) taking in my classroom for the next three months. It was lovely and warm, quiet with just the cars zomming past. A tranquil place that I immediately felt at home in. Incidentally Sue also has her own blog called 'Couscous & Consicousness' you can view it here.

I struggled to slow my breath in the breathing exercises but allowed myself a few was my first day afterall. I stretched and strained for the next 60 minutes. Trying to hide my total non-bendyness whilst my counterparts seemed to move with ease and beauty was challenging. Yoga Tapas include a chanting song thingy at the start of their practices...I hadn't experienced this before and doubted how I would learn the words when they all sounded made up?! Nevertheless yoga is as much a spritual practice as well as a physical one.

I left feeling a little like I had slurped up 14 lattes in a row - too jittery to really control my limbs, let alone drive a vehicle. I felt elated and proud of my efforts as I meandered my way home - keen to skite about my new project.

Good work Brave Girl!