Day Fifty Four

Meh, it's all gone Pete Tong.
I'm going to downscale the BGP - a walk is the goal over the next few days. Getting to a gruelling hour long yoga session has blown my brain. A walk and some nice cups of herbal tea and a big pack of tissues.
For I think my life has caught up on me, I suppose that's expected eh.

Trying really hard to give myself a break, as I feel those demons nipping at my heels.
Miss you,
BG x

Day Forty Six

I can't tell you how pointless this all feels right now, how pointless everything feels.

I hope yoga is on tomorrow - I really do and I hope I can find the strength to go

Hope you are ok too
BG x

Day Forty

Day Forty eh - would you look at that?

Well the studio at Yoga Tapas was a steamy humid little hive of activity tonight with lots of bendy-people-ness putting themselves through a HAAARD mat session - Sue was right though I do feel great - so thanks!

Spoke with someone cool today who said she had noticed that her yoga has made an impact on her depression - if she maintains a minimum of two practices per week. Another thing that came out of that conversation was that I realised just how much I have going on so best I don't beat up about not being on top of absolutely every tiny, minute, intricate and mostly pointless detail in my life. This idea was reinforced tonight at yoga - a double whammy - when Sue explained while we started our blissful 10 mins of relaxtion, she asked us not to judge our performance and likewise not to build expectations for our next sessions. So the trick is to leave your practice as it has been, just a practice, not something that has to be read into, analysed and criticised. I like that - living in the moment rather than dwelling. And of course that is something all good therapists try to tell you - sometimes I think you need something real to attach ideas too - you need to practice practicing....and that what yoga is great for!

The more people I talk to the more I realise just how wide spread depression is out there - it's thoroughly terrifying! Life is about being real, not dumb and pretendy as soon as we let all that go, along with the crap expectations and preumptions I think things will be easier...well I know it, yet it still seems so hard to do? WHY IS THAT!?

So after trying not to judge my performance or expect too much next time I was left feeling proud. I am happy with proud!
BG x

Day Thirty Nine

I'm here! Still.....hmmm again feeling bad for not writing - I spend too much time for feeling bad and as this is my blog I declare feeling bad officially banned from the BGP. Ok now that I have that out of the way - what have I been up to? Well I was just going to ask you the same thing?!

Me - hmm I have been really up and down.....sometimes I think I'm fine and then I fall to pieces....boyfriend asked me tonight: "what is it that makes you sad....really what do you think?" I replied "it's the way I view the world, mostly dark...I think it just seeps back into me..." I thought that was quite a good description really?

Made it to yoga twice this week - while I was absent I made a decision that I would make two times my goal each week and three is a bonus. I also think some good walking would make a difference....but the time and energy thing is the issue here. I'm going to go to see my doctor this week...promise..I need to get my iron levels checked...being this tired is surely not normal....although probably a side-effect...stupid side-effect.

Good things that happened this weekend by The Brave Girl:

Made it to yoga!

Went bra shopping - a personal pet hate...made much more pleasant by going to a decent shop

Reading my book and falling asleep and allowing myself too :)

Now that I'm over my cold and cough as is the cat (after a VERY expensive visit to the vets) I hope that my yoga practice will find it's momentum again.

I hope you have yours sorted too...

BG x

Day Thirty Three

Yep so I feel like crap-olla! I'm still coughing...woke up on Saturday morning feeling grungy and groggy and still phleghm filled (is that how you spell phleghm?). My weekend didn't help much either. It was filled with arguments, tears and possibly some tantrums....no tiara's have been awared as yet.

I feel left out of the world, forgotten and alone (again)....warning a whinge fest could commence at any time...I'll do my best to reign it in and not spoil your day as well.

It's sunny again, my grandma wrote me a letter - when was the last time you received a letter?They are pretty cool.

Going to yoga feels like a tall order right now - tall like the....you know really huge tall. I will try....first I'll try to get through today, working alone...you know how much I love that!

Sorry I'm feeling blurgh, I hope you're not.
BG x

Day Thirty

I'm not ignoring you! PROMISE!!!! Ok so that cold...well it developed into a nasty poo head cold, so yoga I felt had to take a break so I could get better.

I am going to yoga tomorrow morning...the longer you're away I think the more the voices try and tell you not to go (the voices...I sound like I'm crazy but you know what I mean right?)..but I will go, boyfriend will tell me if I don't - and who can be doing with that on a weekend.
BG x
PS cat is better thanks

Day Twenty Six

I feel like I have crashed people....crashed! I have a cold, a sore throat, boyfriend is having a poos time and is really sad and have just taken my cat to the emergency vet...this is not such a happy house today. I haven't been able to practice yoga as it's closed and not sure if it's so good to do it when sick?

I am really looking forward to getting back in my routine this week hopefully. Nearly a third of the way through the project and I can tell yoga has made a difference...it's just (just she says!) a matter of fighting through those 'give up' voices!

I am going to concentrate on just eating well, sleeping enough and drinking lots of water until this yucky stressy time is over. I can see I've been doing far too much, and stressing about things way WAY too much...and because of this my body crashed on me...clever little things our bodies aren't they. If you don't stop then they just do it anyway? Something that plays on my mind often is the negative impacts stress has on my body both short and long term....when I look at yoga instructors they look so calm, well put together, strong but nimble and kind of all knowing....that looks like a good place to be - I bet it takes YEARS!? I wonder if they statistically live longer?

I hope, if you're in NZ, that you are enjoying a peaceful, safe and happy holiday weekend (and so are your fur friends)....see you on the mat!

BG x